Open Position

If you happen to be running a Fortune 500 company, do yourself a favor. Don’t hire PGA golf pro Ernie Els as your Vice-President of Marketing and Brand Awareness. Send his resume to your competition.

On Thursday, Els blasted the easiest target and punch-line of the 2000s, Tiger Woods. From the site of the current Accenture Match Play Championship outside of Tuscon, Els told Golfweek, "It's selfish. You can write that. I feel sorry for the sponsor. Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday. This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.” Incidentally, Tiger Woods was a pitchman for Accenture before he got caught in all of his “night-putting.” Accenture was among the first sponsors to drop him.

It probably wasn’t orchestrated as such, but Woods is doing his former sponsor a favor. The PGA tour version 2010 hasn’t really started in the minds of the common fan. Last week was the annual “Bill Murray I’m Still Relevant and Ray Romano I wish I Were Relevant Pro-Am at Pebble Beach.” Playing three courses over four day with amateurs by the ocean is like a typical weekend at Myrtle Beach. Fans don’t begin to follow the tour until the Master’s is around the corner. (Pun intended). By holding his press conference at 11:00 Eastern, Tiger is providing an amazing lead-in for GolfChannel’s tournament coverage. Suddenly, people are discussing the Accenture Match Play. Hello Ernie, they are pumping the name like never before. Hell, if you asked a conversational fan before yesterday, they would associate Buick as a Woods sponsor before they would Accenture. (Buick dropped Tiger in the spring of ’09).

Like it or not, Tiger is actually working some good spin. It’s simple, the media is upset because Tiger has once again proved to be the Untouchable. He has become the Holy Grail of sports and pop culture. Choosing a Friday to make his first visual mea culpa was genius. Many in the media, even the bottom feeding bloggers, still earn the majority of their living before the weekend. The media consumer spends much less time ducking their boss and doing “internet research” on Saturdays and Sundays than the rest of the week.

The setting for Tiger’s statement is also brilliant. He will speak from TPC Sawgrass, the home links of the PGA. This association gives Tiger a powerful if unofficial support group. PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem can not let his cash cow be grilled by the media.

Although this production will be scripted like a James Cameron vehicle, it really doesn’t matter much. Other athletes have prepped us for this moment. The general public doesn’t require full disclosure. If you were furious and vocally upset in November and December, you will be after the press conference. A blind follower of the Tiger pack will remain so. Everyone wants Tiger to field questions, no doubt about it but that doesn’t mean he is foolish enough to do it. Tiger just wants to get up and down (couldn’t resist) this morning, he is not trying to hit the improbable hole in one (sorry). Today the real audience is the mainstream. It is for those of us that have a short term memory, are easily influenced and love to watch the best of the best. Today, Tiger will start to take America back. His performance on the course and will determine the success of his comeback.

Sorry, Ernie. Sorry, golf world. Like it or not, many have learned before you. It’s just easier to take Tiger lying down.

N. O. Love

The New Orleans Saints Super Bowl XLIV win is undoubtedly a feel great story. New Orleans is a city with chins up and glasses raised, proudly recovering and revitalizing in the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. It’s a proud city colored with bright characters and often caricatures. Congratulations to the most hospitable borough in the South.

That doesn’t mean everyone is smiling. A certain group of NFL fans aren’t just dealing with the usual post-Super Bowl chemical induced hangover. For fans of the Atlanta Falcons, the Saints most familiar NFL adversary, the hangover is figurative as well. Consider the depressed, joyless existence of Atlanta Falcon fans post Super Bowl XLIV.

While the New Orleans Saints fan happily celebrate one more parade on the Mardi Gras schedule, the Atlanta fan is the jealous, jilted stepsister. Before Sunday, the two cities and franchises shared so much in common; most notably they shared unmatched ineptitude in the NFL as if it was in their professional football DNA. The Saints fans wore grocery bags on their heads in shame. The Falcons bagged head coach Marion Campbell after winning only two of eleven games in the seventies. Then they brought him back for three more years of futility in the eighties.

Both cities are expansion franchises from the late sixties. They entered the NFL one year apart. Both teams were whipping boys of the geographically challenged NFC West for years. If you see a Joe Montana or Steve Young to Jerry Rice highlight, you will see a Saint or a helpless Falcon defensive back. Since the league’s realignment, these two rivals play in the NFC South. Masses of fans road trip by planes, trains and automobiles in an annual drunken crusade in vain attempts to validate each other’s insignificance.

And unlike some “can ESPN make it happen rivalry,” these teams are actually rivals. From the mid- sixties to real-time, the teams have traded wins while they sharing frivolous seasons. All-time the Falcons have a record of 282 wins, 399 losses and 6 ties. The Saints are 280-384-5. No two opponents could be so equal in their inefficiency. (The Falcons lead the all-time series with 44 wins to the Saints 37).

The parallels continue away from the field. New Orleans has Bourbon St, and Atlanta has Peachtree St.

These two cities are the most visited in the south. (With no apology to Miami, even if Miami wants to be part of the south: it is not, can not and will not ever be in the south).

New Orleans has Popeye’s chicken. Atlanta has "The Big Chicken."

New Orleans weather is the precursor of Atlanta weather. If you want to know what the weather will be like in Atlanta tomorrow, check out what it’s like in New Orleans today. Oddly, both teams play in domed stadiums despite having mild southern climates.

Both franchises fan base is linked to an SEC school with rich football heritage. Baton Rouge and Athens are both about an hour away from New Orleans and Atlanta respectively. If you cheer for LSU or Georgia on Saturday, you cheer (usually a little less passionate and a lot more hung-over) for Saints or Falcons on Sunday.

Atlanta’s most famous mayor (also former UN Ambassador) Andrew Young, and most-famous writer-actor-director, Tyler Perry, are natives of The Big Easy.

The “alternative life-stylers” never have trouble meeting new people in either city.

Both teams’ most famous coaches, Mike Ditka of the Saints and Dan Reeves of the Falcons, did their best work in other NFL cities only to be cast away and sent to the south.

The teams have even shared some of their most beloved players. Kicker Morten Anderson has scored the most points in Saints and Falcons history. Quarterback Bobby Hebert was the hometown boy made good in Louisiana until he came to be loved in Atlanta for ending the Chris Miller era. He may be more recognized as a Saint, but Hebert made his only Pro Bowl as a Falcon. Hebert has done sports talk radio in both cities and his son was a prep star in metro Atlanta before accepting a scholarship to …LSU.

New Orleans gave the world Lil’ Wayne, and Atlanta gave the world Ludacris.

In many ways the cities and their fans were more alike than different. Separation wasn’t necessary because the comparisons were so similar. Then, Sunday happened. Now, it’s game-on for a “super” Mardi Gras in New Orleans, but it’s still game-over in Atlanta. New Orleans will keep celebrating with Abita beer, Atlanta will mourn with Sweetwater.

A Wedge Between Them

This week the golf world finally took its eyes off Tiger Woods. Specifically, the PGA players, executives and media took their Ping Eye 2 wedges off Tiger.

In the off season certain wedges with specific grooves said to generate excessive spin, and therefore superior control, were banned by the PGA in events. This exercise is proving to be an obvious but less than foresightful attempt to slow down the technological advances on equipment. The vision is to reward a player’s skill, not celebrate space-aged product innovation. Unsuccessful attempts to “Tiger-proof” golf courses from booming drives over the last decade have made this step necessary in the eyes of golf’s governing body. Some might say it’s like choosing plastic surgery because the diet didn’t work, or visca versa. Unfortunately, one wedge was grandfathered via an oversight, the Ping Eye 2 wedge. Ironically, the club was designed and crafted before April 1, 1990. April Fool’s Day, can you hear Alanis Morrisette in the background?

This new rule caused only a ripple of comments from critics while the PGA was starting the season in the middle of the Pacific in January. Thanks to the appearance of a Ping Eye 2 in the bag of the world’s second best golfer: Phil Mickelson at Torrey Pines last week in San Diego, the rule has suddenly become cause celeb. Lefty, who Alanis Morrisette may or may not know is actually right-handed off the course, became the perfect target for a freshman member of the tour’s Player Advisory Council, Scott McCarron. McCarron a tour player since 1995, is proving a less lovable but equally laughable imitation of Mayberry’s Deputy Barney Fife. He told the San Francisco Chronicle last Friday (before missing the cut at Torrey Pines), "It's cheating, and I'm appalled Phil has put it in play."

Hold on to your putter, big boy. It’s not cheating. Golfers, and not just Mickelson, are using a club that is legal. To quote Zach Galifianakis’ character in The Hangover, “It’s not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.” Sidebar- The Hangover 2 is in the works. This week McCarron apparently realized that Mickelson is the current Alpha male on tour and not merely a newly appointed hall monitor. (A hall monitor that has not played in more than two majors in a year since 2003). McCarron swiftly apologized. Satisfied that he made his point regarding the tour’s less than due diligence regarding the process of outlawing equipment, Mickelson pulled the Ping wedge out of his bag this week.

Speaking of putters, McCarron has employing a belly putter since 1992. The belly putter is not only the second most controversial club on tour, it is the club Ted Knight would be using if he were to be alive and filmmakers were making Caddyshack 4.

So what did we learn this week? First, that the PGA underestimated the creativity and gamesmanship of their professional athletes. The Ping Eye 2 is not illegal. Of course some guys want to take any advantage to be competitive and win. Secondly, the tour remains a collection of independent contractors free to do as they please as long as they perform. They will do mostly as they please. Remember just last year, pleas from sponsors did nothing significant to increase the star player’s participation in lesser known events. Third, there are more skirmishes down the fairway as golf’s governing bodies across the globe try to manage inevitable equipment advances. Ping, and their competitors like Nike and Callaway, pay big money to players and for research and development in order to get their products into the hands of weekend hackers everywhere. Lastly we learned, whether anyone likes it or not, Phil Mickelson is the new, albeit interim, sheriff in town.

All-Star Games ... Really

Professional Sports All-Star games are now officially watered-down crap. First, Major League Baseball did an excellent job of de-valuing their game with 2002’s infamous tie. And now, despite various tweaks (such as the NFL moving the setting of the Pro Bowl) from all the leagues, the games keep setting new standards of insignificance. It’s mainly because the casts of these productions are not real stars. Instead of thinking Bart Starr, think David Garrard. Injuries, lame dropouts from the real stars, fan balloting and, in the case of the NFL, the scheduling of the game before the Super Bowl, have watered down the rosters. (Seven Indianapolis Colts and seven New Oreleans Saints players will not playing creating space for fourteen replacements).

This year the NBA and NFL have taken their celebrity scrimmages to new lows. Just look at the rosters. Eastern Conference starting guard Allen Iverson wasn’t good enough to play for the Memphis (Memphis?) Grizzlies in November. In January he is an All-Star for the Philadelphia 76ers.

Staying in Tennessee, the Tennessee Titans Vince Young and Kyle Vanden Bosh have both been added to the AFC Pro Bowl roster. Here are Young’s stats for ‘09: a pedestrian 82.9 passer rating and paltry 1,879 passing yards. What about his rushing totals you ask. Unfortunately, his rushing totals do not make up for his lack of passing acumen: 281 yards and two touchdowns. It is true that Young did not see significant playing time in the first four weeks of the season. However, even if he had played the full season, he would have projections look like this: 2,400 yards passing, and about 350 yards rushing.

The most surprising player on any roster of the games “superstars” is Titans defensive end Kyle Vanden Bosch. Twenty-seven defensive ends had more tackles the Vanden Bosch’s 44. Sixty-six, yes, sixty-six defensive ends had more than his 3 sacks. Those are not the stats of a filet mignon type of player, more like a Subway BMT Combo type of player.

Of these three examples, Iverson is actually the most deserving. When he takes the court with all of his body art, it’s because of his body of work. And, there is nothing wrong with that. It is unfortunate and painfully clear that the soon-to-be-Hall-of-Famer is just not an All-Star performer anymore, and one would imagine an All-Star game to be about the best of the best players.

As a kid the All-Star games were appointment TV, now it may be time to abandon the sunken ship. There has never been drama in these games and the romance is spent, replaced by charades. Because of the money and marketing generated, the respective leagues deem them necessary. But as of now, the leagues must get creative and re-invent them … really.

Go West, Young Man

Ten Quick Bullet Points (Pun Intended) on Lane Kiffin jolting the Tennessee Nation


1. The Trojans are a better for Lane Kiffin. USC is a much higher profile job. Recruiting, which is a strength of Kiffin’s, will be much simpler in So Cal. The Pac-10 is a much easier conference to win, with less competition and no championship game. Finally, Kiffin has been on the west coast since graduating high school.

2. Kiffin is the best USC could do. The had already been turned by better names such as Mike Riley and Jack del Rio. Hell, in a lot of ways he is Washington coach Steve Sarkisian “lite,” with a more Hollywood friendly name recognition.

3. Tennessee will not go as outside the box with their next hire. They got burned by Kiffin. He left, taking his Daddy and Ed Orgeron with him, after only fourteen months. UT only won seven games in his lone season and faces possible recruiting violations. Three players were arrested on gun charges exactly two months ago. The Vols need stability.

4. Somewhere, Phillip Fulmer is saying, "You ran me out for this?

5. Tennessee fans have to keep changing their drawers, or at least flip them inside out, every couple of hours.


6. In Seattle, Pete Carroll is very happy. The Kiffin hiring has taken all the focus off his rapid exodus to the Seattle Seahawks.





7. In Knoxville, Bruce Pearl is jumping for joy. Kiffin’s departure, coupled with the basketball Vols upset of No. 1 Kansas, means the December gun and marijuana “incident” involving the four hoopsters at the convenience store parking lot virtually disappears.

8. Georgia defensive coach Rodney Garner is contemplating a change of address. Garner, a former UT assistant, is an outstanding recruiter and holds the title of Assistant Head Coach at Georgia. He wasn’t seriously considered for the indefinitely vacant defensive coordinator job by Mark Richt and may not be head coaching stock. Still, no matter what the title, he would be invaluable helping Tennessee hold on to the current recruiting class (currently ranked sixth in the country by Rivals and Scouts.com).

9. In Lubbock, new Texas Tech coach Tommy Tuberville is pissed.



10. Frankly, my dear, Nick Saban doesn’t give a damn. And, why should he? As much as it may hurt the Volunteer nation, their place in the SEC hierarchy is simply middle of the pack while their traditionally biggest rival reigns national champion.

Big Mac Admits to Using the Special Sauce

Many sports fans are going to be very well fed for the next week. Thank you, Mark McGwire.

McGwire has finally “come clean” and admitted his steroid use during his would-be Hall of Fame career. This is pure gold for sports fans.

We are in a relatively dead sports period. College bowl season is over. The NFL play-offs grab our attention only on the weekends. College basketball does not captivate the mainstream fan until March --even later for the casual NBA fan. Hockey is even less of a story than the start of a Tiger-less PGA season. Also, baseball’s hot stove league is on a low simmer.

Thanks again, Big Mac.

Regardless of your stance on Performance Enhancing Drugs in baseball (and all sports for that matter), the McGwire admittance and plea for public forgiveness is funny in some unexpected ways. Enjoy it even though it may not be entirely “ha-ha funny.”

It’s funny because everyone, including the Maris family, has acknowledged for about a decade that the guy was on steroids.

It’s funny because he claims that steroids did not help his “gift” of hitting home runs. That’s like Pamela Anderson saying that her looks did not help her become an actress. No, Pamela, it was your strong, classical thespian skills that landed the Baywatch job.

McGwire said “There's no way I did this for any type of strength use." Really. That’s very interesting Mark. Why not just tell us, “My increased muscle size and power were an unforeseen and surprising side effect of taking steroids coupled with working out.”





It’s funny because some comic genius in the media unearthed Grandpa Simpson aka Bob Feller. Lucky for us when interviewed, Bob was just being Bob. When told that Big Mac didn’t think the PEDs helped him hit home runs, Feller responded, "I think that's a lot of horse muffins … If it didn't help him any, what the hell was he taking them for?” Horse muffins? Thanks, Grandpa.

It’s funny because Bobby Knight of all people is spinning for McGwire. This gives us the sporting world’s oddest man-love-triangle: Mark McGwire-Tony LaRussa- Bobby Knight. The casual fan knows that McGwire and LaRussa were co-dependent in Oakland and then again in St. Louis. More serious fans have seen interviews pairing the odd couple of LaRussa and Knight over the years. That by itself is kind of funny. Remember, LaRussa is an animal activist and vegetarian. Knight is an avid hunter, almost always preying on animals without opposable thumbs.

ESPN aired the comments of the legendary coach and current network employee, regarding McGwire. This was priceless. Here is an excerpt of the General’s musing on McGwire, “He is one of the great people I have ever met in sports … I don’t think Mark got good advice in his appearance before the Senate committee. I think that had Tony (LaRussa) and I been advising him, he would have come off a lot different.” Two quick thoughts. First, is Knight suggesting we should hold McGwire in the same esteem as Jackie Robinson and Roberto Clemente? Second, Knight may have just hit on another great post-coaching career path: The Bobby Knight School of Public and Media Relations.

Enjoy the laughs now because McGwire is finally putting his past behind him.

Despite the unintended train-wreck humor, the healing process has begun for McGwire. More twists and turns in the story lie ahead. The jury will not deliver the verdict of public opinion on the PED generation for some time. McGwire’s behavior, from this point forward, will be more impactful on his legacy than the verbiage of his apology. But moving forward, he can say he apologized. This makes him a little more like Andy Petite and a little less like Roger Clemens.

Welcome to the Avatar Bowl

The new school West Point football unis


Rodney Dangerfield once told this joke: I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. After watching the uniforms Boise State and TCU rocked the in the Fiesta Bowl, he might have said something different. “I turned on my Xbox and a college football game broke out.”

On the other hand, the NFL is the No Fun Leaguewhen it comes to uniforms.. Players are expected to resemble storm troopers in their uniformity. Should they step outside the line, they get fined by the uniform police. Interesting fact: Merton Hanks, the long-necked former pro bowl San Francisco 49er defensive back, is the head of the uniform police.

Even old school college fans can appreciate, or lament, the “new college try.” Teams like Oregon, TCU and even the service academies give us something to talk about on the field … other than the game itself. Poor Joe Paterno, the first thing he'll do when he's finally buried is roll over in his grave.